Dear Parents
LIGHTHOUSES
Nothing really prepares us for parenthood; we all do the best we can. But it is probably the single most important job that anyone with children has: preparing the next generation for adulthood. And we get no training, but act out of love, use our common sense and learn as we go along, hoping for the best, reading the odd book on how to bring up children and chatting to others.
So, what has this to do with lighthouses? I read an interesting article lately on what is called the Lighthouse Parent, and what it describes is very apt for parents of Prep age and older boys, I think.
We have all probably heard of the helicopter parent or the lawnmower/snow plough parent, as described in pop culture mythology. Both terms are often used humorously; the former describes the parent who hovers and controls the minutiae of their child’s life, and the latter, those who go ahead of their child to ensure that there are no obstacles or disappointments or hurts that could adversely affect their children.
And it is difficult not to have aspects of these in our own parenting style. It is not easy to watch our children struggle; their grappling with what is for them a “shattering” disappointment; hurt by friends who move on to other friends; being excluded in some way – these can hit us in the solar plexus and we often want to rush in and rescue.
So, why the lighthouse? The lighthouse parent is a term used by the paediatrician Kenneth Ginsberg and others. “The lighthouse parent stands as a steady, reliable guide, providing safety and clarity without controlling every aspect of their child’s journey.” In the same way that a lighthouse stands solid and provides a light to assist ships in not crashing into rocks, lighthouse parents provide firm boundaries and emotional support but give their children the freedom to navigate their own challenges. This shows trust and confidence in their children that they can handle difficult situations themselves.
This is not easy when we are in jobs and homes where we are programmed to fix things and we know that fixing for our children is often easier than teaching them how to fix a problem themselves. And often it is easier for the child to have an adult fix it for them than fix or learn to do so themselves.
But what if we listened more to our children rather than immediately making a judgement and proposing a course of action. And then unpacking the issue, helping our child to find a solution or a way to accept a situation themselves. We give advice but don’t take over. And we manage our emotions – as difficult as this can be, but our children don’t need us crying or “raging” with them.
Rushing in, taking over the situation, immediately contacting the school or phoning the other boy’s parent, shows support for our children, but also shows them that they need parental involvement to solve matters. The school years are the ones where our boys must experience struggle, make mistakes, experience hurtful moments, endure disappointments to ensure that they develop resilience, self-confidence and ultimately independence. Children need to learn to own mistakes, take consequences, resolve difficulties, with adults’ guidance and adults knowing when, occasionally, they might have to step in more strongly and when they can remain more in the background as advisors, but always there.
The title of the article that I quoted is “Lighthouse Parents Have More Confident Kids”, by Russell Shaw (published in The Atlantic). Interestingly, the byline is - sometimes the best thing a parent can do is nothing at all.
We wish all our Hindu families a very Blessed and Happy Diwali.
Best wishes
Kind regards
GREG BROWN
HEADMASTER |
