Dear Parents and Guardians
I came across an article recently that I had read some years ago after having the pleasure of hearing the late Celia Lashlie speak at a conference. She was the first female prison warden of a juvenile men’s prison in New Zealand and had spent her time with many young men who had been incarcerated, often as a result of a split-second decision taken where the risk was not fully considered but which had life-changing implications. She took her lessons from the prison and from her own life as a single mother raising a teenage boy and studied the family dynamics between sons and mothers and sons and fathers.
Her best-known book, : “He’ll be OK. Growing gorgeous boys into Good Men”, is a very useful read for those raising teenage boys. The article I read, from which I quote extensively below, had the following words of advice, initially for mothers but also for fathers:
For Mothers…
“The immense difficulty most women face, me included, is that just as they begin the process of adjusting to the fact their son is now an adolescent, they also begin to truly take in the evidence surrounding them of the vulnerability of adolescent boys and the fragility of these young men’s lives….
I will never tell mothers not to worry about their sons. The fear we feel for our boys is real, very real. The sorrow many women have had to endure following the loss of their gorgeous boy is immense and in some cases, insurmountable….
The fear is real and we can’t change that. What we can change, however, is our response to it. It is our fear, not his – not our son’s. It is our fear to own and to manage. It is not up to our son (or the men in our lives) to manage the fear for us by moderating what they do and how they do it….
If you let the fear take hold, it will influence every interaction you have with him. It will bring an intensity to every aspect of your life with him. As an adolescent boy making his way towards manhood, his way of dealing with that will be to shut down and move away….
When I think about my experience as the mother of an adolescent boy,…. I have only one regret. And it’s a regret that is to do with me, not with my son….
If I had known back then what I know now, I would have done only one thing differently: I would have laughed more with him….
It is when we can laugh with him, we show him that while we worry about him, we are able to acknowledge it is our fear to manage, not his. We are letting him know that we see him for who he is, that we not only love but also like him and above all else, that we trust him.
We trust him to find his way to who he is, rather than trying to make him who we want him to be. We trust him to know right from wrong and to make the right decision when a difficult moment comes. We trust him to take into account that we only ever want the best for him….
This is not about mothers stepping completely away from their sons and leaving them to their own devices. It is about owning your feelings, telling him in as brief and succinct a way as possible what your feelings are and leaving those feelings with him….”
For Fathers…
“… adolescent boys want, more than anything, the eyes of their fathers upon them. (and) will do anything for them to be noticed…
Many childhood experts talk about the metaphorical bridge that teenage boys walk across into adulthood – and that mothers have to get the hell off it. Stand back, stop the hovering, the overprotective nurturing; let their boys walk on that bridge themselves. But for the men in their lives, well, it’s time for them to step up and give them the gift of their attention; the balm of requited love. At a parenting talk, Lashlie turned to the scattering of males in the packed auditorium and said passionately, “Men, stand up. Please. It’s your turn. Stand up where your boys can see you. Sons will walk on broken glass for their dads.”
Communication
We are aware of some of the shortcomings of our administration system as we have moved from bespoke software that has become almost impossible to sustain, to a school package, iSams, that is one of the best in the world. One of the challenges is the interface, which is not as easy to navigate for sport, for example. Another is the communication home when a boy receives a merit or demerit. We are working on a possible solution to these problems and while we do so, I urge parents to log on to the parent portal once a week, to be able to see for yourself how your son is doing, his marks, as well as his behaviour, both good and bad.
Commitment
I have said many times that exercise is important when studying. This is not just my feeling but one which is backed up by extensive data. We, along with most other schools like us, continue to play sport during exams, and continue to practise. Not only is it good for our boys, but they have committed to participate and are thus required to be at all practices and matches. We do not want a parent to withdraw their son from a team or a fixture as it has significant implications on the team, the sport and the school, as well as on the boy himself. He is required to honour his commitments – it is part of what a Good Man does.
Our teams have a tough few weeks ahead of us, particularly the rugby teams, and it will take complete attention, commitment and courage to compete as we take on some of the best teams in the country. I was so proud of so many of our rugby boys who, when faced with far stronger opposition, stood up to the challenge and didn’t back down.
Let us all support our boys and encourage them in all they do – not only in exams but also on the sports fields.
Exams
We wish our boys all the best for the upcoming exams and trust that their hard work throughout the year will be reflected in their results.
Eid
We extend our heartfelt wishes to our Muslim community on the occasion of Eid. May this celebration bring unity, peace, and abundant blessings to you and your families. Eid Mubarak!
I wish you well for the upcoming few weeks.
Kind regards
Antony Reeler
Principal
|
